CALVIN & HOBBES QUOTES

I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.

Reality continues to ruin my life.

Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.

It’s psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I’ll get a saw.

I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers’ lounge.

Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.

Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?

# CALVIN

That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!

In my opinion, we don’t devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don’t help.

Its no use! Everybody gets good enemies except me.

What’s the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see ’em?

As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.

This one’s tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen …

I’m learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life … Procrastinating and rationalizing.

I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it’s great to be male!

I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information

~

“Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?”
“I’m not sure that man needs the help.”

~

Calvin: I’m a genius, but I’m a misunderstood genius.
Hobbes: What’s misunderstood about you?
Calvin: Nobody thinks I’m a genius.

~

Calvin : You can’t just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
Hobbes : What mood is that?
Calvin : Last-minute panic.

~

“Why isn’t my life like a situation comedy? Why don’t I have a bunch of friends with nothing better to do but drop by and instigate wacky adventures? Why aren’t my conversations peppered with spontaneous witticisms? Why don’t my friends demonstrate heartfelt concern for my well being when I have problems? …I gotta get my life some writers.”

~

“I’m a simple man, Hobbes.”
“You?? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided heat-seeking missiles!”
“I’m a simple man with complex tastes.”

~

“See Any UFOs?”
“Not yet.”
“Well, keep your eyes open, they’re bound to land here sometime.”
“What will we do when they come?”
“See if we can sell mom and dad into slavery for a star cruiser”

~

“My powerful brain has come up with a topic for my paper”
“Great”
“I’ll write about the debate over Tyrannosaurs. Were they fearsome predators or disgusting scavengers?”
“Which side will you defend?”
“Oh, I believe they weer fearsome predators, definitely.”
“How come?”
“They’re *so* much cooler that way”

~

“I’m not going to so my maths homework. Look at these unsolved problems. Here’s a number in mortal combat with another. One of them is going to get subtracted. But why? What will be left of him? If I answered these, it would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn intriguing possibilities into boring old facts.”
“I never really thought about the literary possibilities of maths.”
“I prefer to savour the mystery.”

~

Susie: You’d get a good grade without doing any work.
Calvin: So?
Susie: It’s wrong to get rewards you haven’t earned.
Calvin: I’ve never heard of anyone who couldn’t live with that.

~

“Bad news Dad. Your polls are way down.”
“My polls?”
“You rate especialy low among tigers and six year old white males.”

~

“Mom’s not feeling well. So I’m making her a get well card.”
“That’s thoughtful of you.”
“See, on the front it says, ‘Get Well Soon’ … and on the inside it says,’Because me bed isn’t made, my clothes need to be put away and I’m hungry. Love Calvin.’ Want to sign it?”
“Sure, I’m hungry too”

~

H : “What do you think is the secret to happiness? Is it money, power or fame?”
C : “I’d choose money. If you have enough money, you can buy fame and power. That way you’r have it all and be really happy. Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.”
H : “I suppose thats *one* way to define it.”
C : “The part I think I’d like best is crushing people who get in my way.”

~

Dear Santa. Why is your operation located at the North Pole? I’m guessing cheap elf labour, lower environmental standards, and tax breaks. Is this really the example you want to set for us impressionable kids? …My plan is to put him on the defensive before he considers how good I’ve been.

~

“MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATTRESS?”
“No, Calvin.”
“CAN I RIDE MY TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF?”
“No, Calvin.”
“Then can I have a cookie?”
“No, Calvin.”
“She’s on to me.”

~

“What state do you live in?”
“Denial.”

– Miss Wormwood & Calvin“Dad, I’d like to have a little talk.”
“Um…ok.”
“As the wage earner here, its your responsibility to show some consumer confidence and start buying things that will get the economy going and create profits and employment. Here’s a list of some big-ticket items I’d like for Christmas. I hope I can trust you to do whats right for our country.”
“I’ve got to stop leaving the Wall Street Journal around.”

#

INNOCENCE

============

I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.

Hobbes : “Do you think there’s a God?
Calvin : “Well somebody’s out to get me!”

Calvin : “Do you really think Bogeymen exist?”
Hobbes : “I’m not sure, but if they do, I think this is where they live…”

“The world isn’t fair, Calvin.”
“I know Dad, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favour?”

“Too bad the world will be ending soon.”
“Beg your pardon?”
“Halley’s Comet. Comets are harbingers of doom.”
“No they arent, thats just superstition.”
“Really? Guess I’d better write that book report.”

“Since September it’s just gotten colder and colder. There’s less daylight now, I’ve noticed too. This can only mean one thing – the sun is going out. In a few more months the Earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice. Dad says the sun isnt going out. He says its colder because the earth’s orbit is taking us farther from the sun. He says winter will be here soon.
Isn’t it sad how some people’s grip on their lives is so precarious that they’ll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth?”

– Calvin, about to become aware of the concept of winter…

“This article says that many people find christmas the most stressful time of year.”
“I believe it. This season sure fills *me* with stress.”
“Really? How come?”
” I *hate* being good…”

~

“Any monsters under my bed tonight?”

“Nope.” “No.” “Uh-Uh.”

“Well there *better* not be, I’d hate to have to torch one with my flamethrower!”

“You have a flamethrower?”

“They lie. I lie.”

– Calvin, The Monsters Under His Bed & Hobbes“I wonder where we go when we die?”
“…Pittsburgh?”
“You mean if we’re good or if we’re bad?”

#

SOCIETY

========

I think life should be more like tv. I think all of life’s problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don’t you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don’t you think?

So basically, this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection.

In my opinion, television validates existence.

~

“Here’s a movie we should watch.”
“Who’s in it?”
“It says ‘Japanese Cast’…two big rubbery monsters slug it out over major metropolitan centres in a battle for world supremacy…doesn’t that sound great?”
“And people say that foreign film is inaccessible.”

~

Hobbes : “It says here that by the age of 6, most children have seen a million muders on television.”
Calvin : “I find that very disturbing…it means I’ve been watching all the wrong channels.”

~

H : “What are you doing?”
C : “Being cool.”
H : “You look more like you’re bored.”
C : “The world bores you when you’re cool.”

~

“I just read this great science-fiction story. It’s about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves.”
“So instead of us controlling machines, they control us? Pretty scary idea.”
“I”ll say…*HEY* What time is it? My TV show is on.”

#

DEEP

====

To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.

So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they’re already met?

It’s only work if somebody makes you do it

#

GURLS

=======

My only regret is blowing the best day of my life while I’m so young

– Calvin prepares a water-balloon ambush for SusieCalvin: Our top-secret club, G.R.O.S.S.– Get Rid Of Slimy girlS!
Susie: Slimy girls?!
Calvin: I know that’s redundant, but otherwise it doesn’t spell anything.

I’m looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello…?

Girls are like slugs – they probably serve some purpose, but it’s hard to imagine what.

~

We are a fierce and dirty band of cut-throat pirates! Keep a sharp lookout matey, we dont want any sissy girls on our ship!”
“We *dont* like girls???”
“Of course not dummy, we’re a murderous bunch of pirates, remember?”
“Who do we smooch then?”

~

“There’s a new girl in our class.”
“Well, whats her name?”
“WHO KNOWS?”
“Is she nice?”
“WHO CARES? Not me!”
“Do you LIKE her?”
“NO!”

~

“Here comes that new girl. HEY SUSIE DERKINS, IS THAT YOUR FACE OR IS A POSSUM STUCK IN YOUR COLLAR? I HOPE YOU SUFFER A DEBILITATING BRAIN ANEURISM, YOU FREAK!”
“She *cute*, isnt she?”
“GO AWAY!”

~

“Hello Susie, this is Calvin. I lost our homework assignment. Can you tell me what we were supposed to read for tomorrow?”
“Are you sure you’re not calling for some other reason?”
“Why else would I call you?”
“Maybe you missed the melodious sound of my voice?”
“WHAT? Are you crazy? All I want is the STUPID assignment!”
“First say you missed the melodious sound of my voice.”
“THIS IS BLACKMAIL!”

~

“This meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy Girls club will now come to order. First Tiger Hobbes will read the minutes of our last meeting.”

“Thank you. (9:30) Meeting called to order. Dictator For Life Calvin proposed resoultion condemning the existence of girls. (9:35) First Tiger Hobbes abstains from vote. Motion fails. (9:36) Patriotism of First Tiger called into question. (9:37) Philosophical discussion. (10:15) Bandages administered. Dictator For Life rebuked for biting.”

“Is this a great club or what?”

“(10:16) Forgot what debate was about. Medals of bravery awarded to all parties.”

~

“I’m never gonna get married. Are you?”
“Hmm…I suppose if the right person came along, I might. Someone with green eyes and a nice laugh, who I could call ‘Pooty Pie’.”
“POOTY PIE?”
“Or bitsy pookums.”
“I think that would affect my stomach a lot more than my heart.”
“Bitsy pookums I’d say. Yes snoogy woogy, she’d reply…”

~

“Do you like being a girl?”
“Its gotta be better than the alternative.”
“Whats it like? Is it like being a bug?”
“Like a WHAT?”
“I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a crual trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it.”

#

Calvin and Hobbes Quotes

“The days are getting colder. Yes. Bugs are dying by the truckload! Ha ha ha! Good riddance to ’em all! … I like fall.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Wow, look at the grass stains on my skin. I say, if you knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Mom will you drive me into town?” Reply “Why should I drive you, Calvin? It’s a perfect day outside! What do you think people have feet for?” “To work the gas pedal.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Calvin’s Dad: The world isn’t fair, Calvin.
Calvin: I know, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin talking to Hobbes, “When a kid grows up, he has to be something. He can’t just stay the way he is. But a tiger grows up and stays a tiger why is that?” Hobbes replies, “No room for improvement. Calvin, “Of all the luck, my parents had to be humans.” Hobbes, “Don’t take it too hard. Humans provide some very important protein.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

After Calvin nails Susie with a snowball he walks up to her and says “I must say, the stinging snow makes your cheeks look positively radiant.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Love makes the world go round!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“It’s not summer if your tongue isn’t purple.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“I have a hammer. I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my enviroment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it’s great to be male!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“It’s a cruel season that makes you get ready for bed while it’s light out.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“This food is allergic to me.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin says to Hobbes, “I’ve noticed that when we play games with girls you get captured a lot.” Hobbes replies, “Some of us are just irresistible.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“To make a bad day worse spend it wishing for the impossible”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Childhood is short, maturity is forever.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

Hobbes: “Do you think there is a God?” Calvin: “Well, somebody’s out to get me.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take milk for example. Why do we drink COW milk? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said. “I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze ’em!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Aaugh! It’s a half-hour later than it was half an hour ago! Run! Run!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Work fascinates me, I can watch it for hours.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“I’ve got plenty of common sense…. I just choose to ignore it.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“I ‘m not a vegetarian! I’m a dessertarian.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Today for show and tell I ‘ve brought a tiny marvel of nature: a single snowflake. I think we might all learn a lesson from how this utterly unique and exquisite crystal.. ..turns into an ordinary boring molecule of water just like every other one when you bring it in the classroom. And now. While the analogy sinks in. I’ll be leaving you drips and going outside.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“A smoke grenade, a gas mask, and a helicopter……. that’s all I ask.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Girls are like slugs, they probably serve some purpose, but it’s hard to imagine what!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“I ‘d hate to have a kid like me!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“There’s an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“In my opinion, we don’t devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?”
– Calvin and Hobbes

” ’tis the season to advertise.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Obviously my body doesn’t believe a word my brain is saying.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“What on earth am I doing inside on this beautiful day?! This is the only life I’ve got to live!!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“There aren’t very many heroes these days. Who is out there to inspire us with a personal example of virtue and self-sacrifice in the name of a higher good? Who can we look up to? Business Leaders? Sports Figures? Politicians? Celebrities? Heck, we’re lucky if they don’t end up in prison! As usual, the hero business is up to me!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“People don’t realize what a burden it is being a genius like me. It’s not easy having a mind that operates on a higher plane than everyone else! People just refuse to see that I ‘m the crux of all history, a boy of destiny.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“I want to be introduced as “Calvin, boy of destiny. But you have to say it right, pause a little after “boy,” and say “Destiny” a bit slower and deeper for ephasis. Say it, “Boy… Of Dessstiny, ” Like that!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“True friends are hard to come by…I need more money.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“You can present the material, but you can’t make me care.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“People pay more attention to you when they think you’re up to something.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Homework, I command thee, BE DONE!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“It is man’s indomitable nature to scare himself silly for no good reason!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Wow, look at the grass stains on my skin. I say, if you knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Mom will you drive me into town?” Reply “Why should I drive you, Calvin? It’s a perfect day outside! What do you think people have feet for?”
“To work the gas pedal.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin talking to Hobbs, “When a kid grows up, he has to be something. He can’t just stay the way he is. But a tiger grows up and stays a tiger why is that?”
Hobbs replies, “No room for improvement.
Calvin, “Of all the luck, my parents had to be humans.”
Hobbs, “Don’t take it too hard. Humans provide some very important protein.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

After Calvin nails Susie with a snowball he walks up to her and says “I must say, the stinging snow makes your cheeks look positively radiant.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Love makes the world go round!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“It’s not summer if your tongue isn’t purple.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“I have a hammer. I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my enviroment at will and make an incredible din all the while!…… Ah, it’s great to be male!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“It’s a cruel season that makes you get ready for bed while it’s light out.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“This food is allergic to me.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin says to Hobbs, “I’ve noticed that when we play games with girls you get captured a lot.” Hobbs replies, “Some of us are just irresistible.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“To make a bad day worse spend it wishing for the impossible”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Childhood is short, maturity is forever.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

Hobbes: “Do you think there is a God?” Calvin: “Well, somebody’s out to get me.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take milk for example. Why do we drink COW milk? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said. “I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze ’em!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Aaugh! It’s a half-hour later than it was half an hour ago! Run! Run!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Work fascinates me, I can watch it for hours.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“I’ve got plenty of common sense…. I just choose to ignore it.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“I’m not a vegetarian! I’m a dessertarian.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Today for show and tell I’ve brought a tiny marvel of nature: a single snowflake. I think we might all learn a lesson from how this utterly unique and exquisite crystal… ..turns into an ordinary boring molecule of water just like every other one when you bring it in the classroom. And now. While the analogy sinks in. I’ll be leaving you drips and going outside.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“A smoke grenade, a gas mask, and a helicopter……. that’s all I ask.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Girls are like slugs – they probably serve some purpose, but it’s hard to imagine what!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“I’d hate to have a kid like me!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“There’s an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“In my opinion, we don’t devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“’tis the season to advertise.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Obviously my body doesn’t believe a word my brain is saying.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“What on earth am I doing inside on this beautiful day?! This is the only life I’ve got to live!!
– Calvin and Hobbes

“There aren’t very many heroes these days. Who is out there to inspire us with a personal example of virtue and self-sacrifice in the name of a higher good? Who can we look up to? Business Leaders? Sports Figures? Politicians? Celebrities? Heck, we’re lucky if they don’t end up in prison! As usual, the hero business is up to me!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“People don’t realize what a burden it is being a genius like me. It’s not easy having a mind that operates on a higher plane than everyone else! People just refuse to see that I’m the crux of all history, a boy of destiny.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“I want to be introduced as “Calvin, boy of destiny.” But you have to say it right, pause a little after “boy,” and say “Destiny” a bit slower and deeper for ephasis. Say it, “Boy….. Of Dessstiny,” Like that!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“True friends are hard to come by…..I need more money.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“You can present the material, but you can’t make me care.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

” People pay more attention to you when they think you’re up to something.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“Homework, I command thee, BE DONE!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

“It is man’s indomitable nature to scare himself silly for no good reason!”
– Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin & Hobbes

Calvin:     Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?
Mum:       We don’t have any chainsaws, Calvin.
Calvin:     We don’t? Not any?
Mum:       Nope.
Calvin:     How am I ever going to learn how to juggle?
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes

“My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. If business was as good as my aim, I’d be on Easy Street. Instead, I’ve got an office on 49th Street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection agents.
Yeah, that’s me, Tracer Bullet. I’ve got eight slugs in me. One’s lead, and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I’m a private eye.
Suddenly my door swung open, and in walked trouble. Brunette, as usual.”

“Oh, great altar of passive entertainment, bestow upon me thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!”

“People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.”
The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

“The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can’t, and the incapacity to tell the difference.”
The Days are Just Packed

“Somewhere in communist Russia I’ll bet there’s a little boy who has never known anything but CENSORSHIP and OPPRESSION. But maybe he’s heard about AMERICA, and he dreams of living in this land of FREEDOM and OPPORTUNITY! Someday, I’d like to meet that little boy… AND TELL HIM THE AWFUL TRUTH ABOUT THIS PLACE!!”
“Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans.”

“But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He’s one of the _old_ gods! He demands sacrifice!”
The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes

“Childhood is short and maturity is forever.”

“For a girl, she’s remarkably perceptive.”

“It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what’s cool.”
Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons

“This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found I could suspend myself a few feet above ground. I flapped harder, and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could fly! I folded my arms back and zoomed low over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed, making huge loops in the sky! …
That’s when Mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didn’t get my bottom out of bed; 20 minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and I just remembered I forgot my lunch. Tuesdays don’t start much worse than this.”
The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

“Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.”

“Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It’s like saying I don’t deserve it!”
There’s Treasure Everywhere

“Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.”
The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

“Some diabolical fiend threatens to establish a totalitarian system of rule! Only Stupendous Man can save the day!…Aha! Just as I suspected! My evil arch-nemesis, Mom-Lady!”

Calvin:     Hi Mom! I’m making my own newspaper to report the events of our household.
Mum:       That’s nice.
Calvin:     Now I’m looking for a page one lead story. Can I interview you?
Mum:       Sure
Calvin:     OK, what are you cutting up there for dinner?
Mum:       Fish
Calvin:     KNIFE WELDING MOTHER HACKS ICHTHYOID! GRIM MELEE IS EVENING
RITUAL! SUBURBAN FAMILY DEVOURS VICTIM!
Mum:       Out of the kitchen! Out! Out!

Hobbes:   A new decade is coming up.
Calvin:     Yeah, big deal! Hmph. Where are the flying cars? Where are the moon colonies? Where
are the personal robots and the zero gravity boot, uh? You call this a new decade?! You call this the
future?? HA! Where are the rocket packs? Where are the disintegration rays? Where are the
floating cities?
Hobbes:   Frankly, I’m not sure people have the brains to manage the technology they’ve got.
Calvin:     I mean, look at this! We still have weather?! Give me a break!

Calvin:     Oh no! I just remembered that today is “Show and Tell” day! I need something to show and
tell about.
Mum:       Why can’t you think of these things more than two minutes before the bus comes?
Calvin:     What can I take? I’ve gotta take something. I’ve.. ah…
     ACHOOO
Calvin:     Never mind, Mom! Do we have any plastic bags?
Mum:       I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know. I don’t…

Susie:      Why didn’t you sign up to play baseball like the rest of the boys? Don’t you like sports?
Calvin:     I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebody’s always
yelling at you, telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. I figure when I want that, I’ll
join the army and at least get paid.
Calvin:     I don’t understand it, Hobbes. The kids teased me when I wouldn’t play baseball. Then they yelled at
me when I did play. Then the teacher called me a “quitter” when I stopped playing. Unless you’re a
star you can’t please anyone.
Hobbes:   In that case, why not just please yourself?
Calvin:     Because Mom won’t let me move to Madagascar.

(Calvin on internal consistency)

Calvin:     Psst… Susie! What’s 12 + 7?
Susie:      A billion.
Calvin:     Thanks! Wait a minute. That can’t be right… That’s what she said 3 + 4 was.

“Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?”
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes

I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!
Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat

“The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest!”
The Days are Just Packed